A reader writes:
I’ve a pal, Jane, who I was near, however previously few years she’s been very cold and hot, going by means of intervals of being virtually clingy after which turning on a dime to change into unresponsive and even type of aggravated that I’m speaking to her. This has been emotionally troublesome and I’ve determined I must dial again the friendship.
I’ve additionally been making an attempt to get out of a job that’s change into untenable, however the job hunt has been tough as a result of my trade is small and aggressive. One other pal, Carol, works in the identical trade and has been extremely obsessed with getting me a job at her firm, the place I’d actually like to work. I’ve an utility in with them now that she helped me so much with, and I do know she’s talked about me to the hiring supervisor as properly. I’m immensely grateful to her for this and undoubtedly owe her one whether or not it really works out or not.
Right here’s the rub: Carol and Jane are BFFs. (Like, Carol was maid of honor at Jane’s wedding ceremony.) And whereas I’m hoping to transition quietly to a extra distant friendship with Jane, she (for comprehensible causes that aren’t mine to share) could be very delicate to perceived rejection or individuals being mad at her, so there’s a strong probability that she’s going to discover I’m not as engaged. She could confront me or she may silently be harm, however both means I’m certain Carol will hear about it, and who is aware of what that may do to her opinion of me.
I do know I’m borrowing bother a bit of, however what do I do if my relationship with Jane blows up in the course of a hiring course of the place I’ve been relying closely on Jane’s greatest pal’s goodwill? At this level issues are principally within the hiring supervisor’s fingers and I don’t technically want extra assist from Carol, however what if the supervisor comes again to ask her extra questions on me after her unique suggestion and he or she now hates me? Or what if she’s now not snug working with me? Is there something I ought to say to Carol in regards to the Jane state of affairs beforehand? Ought to I pull out of the appliance course of if issues go south with Jane and Carol appears upset? Or ought to I simply deal with these two issues like they’re unrelated and let no matter occurs, occur?
I do suppose you’re borrowing bother. You’re not plotting a confrontation with Jane the place you listing off all her faults, inform her she’s a horrible particular person, after which kick her within the shins. You’re simply … much less engaged with the friendship.
If Jane tells Carol that you simply’ve been extra distant, that’s not the kind of factor that’s prone to make it into Carol’s feedback to the hiring supervisor. (And if it did, the hiring supervisor can be confused by why.)
In case your concern is that Jane will confront you about it and also you’ll be pressured to have a full reckoning of your issues with the friendship, which may result in a blow-up that Carol holds in opposition to you or simply needs nothing to do with … then yeah, ideally you’d keep away from that dialog whilst you’re nonetheless within the hiring course of for the opposite job. And actually, is that dialog even obligatory? Perhaps it’s, however perhaps you may also simply do the “I’ve been actually busy” sluggish fade. (I do suppose that should you and Jane had been very shut as soon as, you’d owe her extra of a dialog, except you’ve already tried elevating the problems to no avail, however you additionally don’t must have that dialog RIGHT NOW. You’ll be able to wait till issues aren’t as entangled, and it’s cheap to need far whilst you’re deciding precisely the way you’re going to deal with it.)
In fact, should you get the job, you’re going to be extra entangled with Carol, not much less. And if issues go south with Jane, Carol could really feel she’s in the course of drama between her greatest pal and a coworker. In that case, the very best factor to do can be to only be a heat, nice, {and professional} colleague. Except Carol is problematic herself (which on this case may imply some mixture of petty, gossipy, vengeful, and unprofessional) she’s unlikely to insist on bringing another person’s work drama into your workplace if you display that there’s no want for it.
